The Day I Took My Life Back

On the Front Line of O’Connor

If not for my experience, succumbing to and breaking free from a toxic relationship, I would not have developed, nor found the freedom to create Gather 2030.

Prior to sharing strategies to oppose global tyranny, my posts focussed on personal empowerment. The change of seasons reminds me to rest, reflect and prepare for the new year.

Dedication to 2023

(Adapted from a journal entry drafted December 19, 2022. I hope this may inspire others to take back control of their lives and, thus, their homes, towns and countries.)

I dedicated 2023 to my authentic self. I was born to be genuinely unique, yet, subconsciously, I believed, that to be a good person, I must submit to others ideas, paradigms, and concepts at the expense of my own. I sacrificed my self-respect, basic needs, standards, dignity, and freedoms to appease others. I lived, year by year, in this self-destructive pattern. I suffocated myself to the point of sickness. I perpetuated this pattern through compliance, became a shell of myself, and dimmed my own potential. But not anymore!

Trigger Warning: “Abuse”

At the beginning of 2021, I was at my lowest. I sacrificed, my individuality and health for what I hoped would be healthy, lifelong partnership. Reviewing a decade of journals brought with it clarity.

 In this marriage, my voice was to be silent, my needs unexpressed, my pain unacknowledged and undeserving of any apology, my dreams dismissed, ridiculed and met with jealousy, my values demeaned, and my morals (vows) weaponized. My time and potential diverted to others goals and responsibilities OR face the well-established  consequence, of passive-aggressiveness, silent treatment and rage.

The process of polite and direct communication had turned to begging for acknowledgment and “trying harder” to the point of emotional, mental, spiritual and physical exhaustion. I had lost all sense of who I was and all hope that things would improve.

Every night, I cried. Every morning, I woke between him and the wall, my children next door, now coping with this dysfunction by modelling his behaviour.

My every effort to be a good partner and mother would not save this marriage. My will to live fading, my heart long since broke.

I lay in bed, my chest struggling to breathe, my 36-year-old joints stiff from lack of oxygen. I had gone from high functioning and energetic to confused and unable to get out of bed. I was at his mercy, and he liked it; now he seemed happy.

I was at a crossroads—stay or leave - life or death. My pathetic attempts to leave gracefully, were dismissed with a classic, “there, there dear” pat on the head. I needed help.

Freedom Convoy to the Rescue

Then the Freedom Convoy came to Ottawa and with it a spark of hope, I broke free from my isolation. There I found a place where I existed and could safely express myself; where my feelings mattered and where others communicated with empathy and understanding. It was in Ottawa that I found myself and was reminded of my potential to lead and fulfill my life purpose to build and be part of a community and help make the world a better place.

“The obstacle in the way is the way,” Marcus Aurelius

Holding the frontline of O'Connor, February 19, 2022, meant more to me than standing against tyranny. It was the moment I took back my life. Despite the injuries and PTSD that followed, I would do it again, 100 times over. It made me stronger.

After facing the riot police, the decision to leave seamed easier. Within months I was reestablishing my life, taking the many losses in exchange for peace, hope and freedom.

Things that Helped Me Along the Way

After the convoy, my support network grew. Local contacts turned to outings, solid friendships and deeper conversations about my situation. These friends helped me take accountability, and ultimately responsibility for the choices I had to make. The disfunction of the marriage happened behind closed doors, so family and friends were confused by my decision and refused to talk to me. I lost everything and everyone, a sacrifice I did not expect, but had to accept.

Along with my new friendships, the following photo and its wise words hung on my fridge. I checked the lessons off one-by-one as I celebrated the realization that I now embodied these principles.

Set Back on My Path

In the midst of initiating the separation, finding and furnishing a home, enrolling my children in school for the first time and restarting my career, I got the call testify at the POEC, the Public Order Emergency Commission.

The year prior, I had prayed to be put back on my true life path, and this was an answer to prayer.

As a child, I loved to travel, meet people, cultivate friendships, and experience life and cultures. I always stood up to bullies, and spoke my truth. Somehow, I lost my way, my voice and myself. The POEC, as nervous as I was, was the moment I reclaimed my voice. I’ll never let anyone or anything take that away again.

Moving Forward

I still struggle with CPTSD from the long-term stress of that relationship. It often manifests (triggered by the lack of progress in the legal matters of my separation), with feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion, and disassociation from my formerly sweet, motherly, self, and impairs my executive functioning, much needed for the work ahead…

Part of my healing process is to reflect on the lessons, come to a place of gratitude and share my journey in service to others. This will be the central focus of my next couple months. I appreciate your patience.

In closing, I thank the Lord, for blessing these bold choices with doors of opportunity, for my friends who accept me in all my light and shadows; and for the agents of the darkness who continue to test and refine me.

“In all things give thanks”

If you are still here, thank you for listening.

The following "self-help" content will be available for paid subscribers. The Gather 2030 content - solutions to free mankind from global tyranny, will remain free to all.